Lenten Day Twenty-four: Michale Tong

March 8, 2024

“It’s the small habits.  How you spend your mornings.  How you talk to yourself.  What you read and what you watch.  Who you share your energy with.  Who has access to you. That will change your life.”  Michale Tong/Contemplative Monk

This quotation comes from a Facebook site called “Contemplative Monk” which I used to follow because I enjoyed and was challenged by all the pithy quotations posted by different spiritual sojourners.  However, when the site started posting twenty or more quotations a day, I left it behind.  Too much pith, challenge, and wisdom for one person like me to absorb!  I did keep this one, though, because it is “the small habits” (like scrolling through too many FB sites, even helpful ones) that can begin to define our lives.

Much of this quotation is based on what I’ve already written about several times this Lent—the spirituality of being awake and aware, of paying attention to the present moment.  So, the part I feel drawn to today is who I share my energy with and who has access to me because of a conversation I had yesterday with my daughter-in-law.

It seems our granddaughter is having a rough first year in middle school.  For someone who flew through elementary school with flocks of friends at her side, she has transitioned to a harsher experience, the age of popularity, and the meanness of pre-teen girls.  She’s lost some friends due to having different teachers, different classes, and others have simply gone away.  Her worry, as she told her mother, is that she only has two friends now.  As her mother and I discussed this situation, we began to talk about the enormous value and gift of a true friend.  We wouldn’t have the energy for dozens of “true” friends. Often, one is enough.  At least that’s what we both see in Jesus and what he modeled about friendship.

Yes, Jesus cured many who came to him, and he practiced inclusivity, and many “followed” him, but the gospels show us that he chose only twelve as his circle of companions (along with some women, let’s not forget) with whom he could share, teach, travel, and minister.  Within that circle, he sought even more intimacy with three men (Peter, James, and John) and three women (Mary Magdalene, Mary, and her sister Martha.)  It was with this smaller group that Jesus could cry, laugh, and let his hair down (“refrigerator friends” as someone once called this kind of relationship—where you can search in your friend’s refrigerator on any visit without asking, and they can search in yours.)  And if John the Evangelist can be trusted as an impartial source, Jesus honed his friendships down even further to one dearest friend, “the disciple whom Jesus loved” (John 13:23).  Jesus discerned where and with whom to expend his energy and grant access.  Why?  Because while he was divine, he was also human, and we humans only have so much to give if our giving isn’t reciprocal.

To whom we give our energy and to whom we allow access affects our lives.  We’ve probably all experienced someone who has worn us out emotionally, who wants a listening companion but doesn’t want to listen in return.  We’ve probably all allowed someone into our lives who, perhaps, didn’t care to respect any of our boundaries, or who didn’t really care about us.  We’ve probably all held onto a “friendship” that had ceased to be life-giving because we felt guilty if we let it go, and we know the outcome of those relationships on our souls.

We all want to be loved.  We all want to have friends, if the numbers on Facebook are any indication.  But this quotation reminds me that it isn’t selfish to ask ourselves who gives us life in return?  Who encourages us?  Who listens to us?  Who genuinely cares for us?  Each one of us is deserving of the same respect and life-giving relationships we give others.  It may be that we receive one close, intimate friend but what a friendship that will be.  It will be something like having a relationship with Jesus.  I hope my granddaughter is gifted with that kind of friend.

Blessings ~ Rosemary